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The Two Gentlemen of Verona

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Enter, meeting, SPEED and LANCE with his dog Crab
SPEED and LANCE, with his dog, Crab, enter and meet.

SPEED
Lance, by mine honesty, welcome to Milan!
SPEED
Lance, honestly, welcome to Milan!

LANCE
Forswear not thyself, sweet youth, for I am not welcome. I reckon this always, that a man is never undone till he be hanged, nor never welcome to a place till some certain shot be paid and the hostess say “Welcome!”
LANCE
Don’t lie, my friend, because I am not welcome. I always believe a man is never sunk until he’s hanged, nor ever welcome to a place until the bill has been paid and the hostess says, “Welcome!”

SPEED
Come on, you madcap, I’ll to the alehouse with you presently, where, for one shot of five pence, thou shalt have five thousand welcomes. But, sirrah, how did thy master part with Madam Julia?
SPEED
Come you, you lunatic, I’ll go to the pub with you soon, where you can have five thousand welcomes for five pence. But tell me, pal, how did your master say goodbye to Madame Julia?

LANCE
Marry, after they closed in earnest, they parted very fairly in jest.
LANCE
You know, after they said their earnest goodbyes, they parted with a few jokes.

5
SPEED
But shall she marry him?
SPEED
But will she marry him?

LANCE
No.
LANCE
No.

SPEED
How then? Shall he marry her?
SPEED
What then? Will he marry her?

LANCE
No, neither.
LANCE
No, not that either.

SPEED
What, are they broken?
SPEED
What, have they broken up?

10
LANCE
No, they are both as whole as a fish.
LANCE
No, they’re as whole as ever.

SPEED
Why, then, how stands the matter with them?
SPEED
Well, then, where do they stand on the matter?

LANCE
Marry, thus: when it stands well with him, it stands well with her.
LANCE
Indeed, that’s the way it is: when he stands erect, he’s in good standing with her.

SPEED
What an ass art thou! I understand thee not.
SPEED
What an ass you are! I don’t understand you.

LANCE
What a block art thou, that thou canst not! My staff understands me.
LANCE
What a blockhead you are, since you can’t understand me! My wooden staff understands me.

15
SPEED
What thou sayest?
SPEED
What are you talking about?

LANCE
Ay, and what I do too. Look thee, I’ll but lean, and my staff understands me.
LANCE
Yes, and it’s what I do, too. Look here—I simply have to lean, and my staff understands me.

SPEED
It stands under thee, indeed.
SPEED
It stands under you, indeed.

LANCE
Why, stand-under and under-stand is all one.
LANCE
Well, standing-under, under-standing—it’s all the same.

SPEED
But tell me true, will ’t be a match?
SPEED
But tell me honestly, will they get married?

20
LANCE
Ask my dog. If he say ay, it will; if he say no, it will; if he shake his tail and say nothing, it will.
LANCE
Ask my dog. If he says yes, then they will. If he says no, then they will. If he shakes his tail and says nothing, then they will.

SPEED
The conclusion is then that it will.
SPEED
So no matter what then, they will get married.

LANCE
Thou shalt never get such a secret from me but by a parable.
LANCE
You’ll never get me to reveal the secret except in riddles.