No Fear Shakespeare
Twelfth Night
Get this No Fear to go!
Act 1, Scene 5, Page 3
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OLIVIA
Take the fool away.
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OLIVIA
Get that fool out of here.
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FOOL
Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
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FOOL
Didn’t you hear her, guys? Get the lady out of here.
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OLIVIA
Go to, you’re a dry fool. I’ll no more of you. Besides, you
grow dishonest.
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OLIVIA
Oh, go away, you’re a boring fool. I don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore. Besides, you’ve gotten unreliable.
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FOOL
Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will
amend. For give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry.
Bid the dishonest man mend himself. If he mend, he is no
longer dishonest. If he cannot, let the botcher mend him.
Anything that’s mended is but patched. Virtue that
transgresses is but patched with sin, and sin that amends
is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will
serve, so. If it will not, what remedy? As there is no
true cuckold but calamity, so beauty’s a flower. The lady
bade take away the fool. Therefore, I say again, take
her away.
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FOOL
Madam, those are two character flaws that a little booze and some common sense can fix. If you hand a drink to a sober fool, he won’t be thirsty anymore. If you tell a bad man to mend his wicked ways, and he does, he won’t be bad anymore. If he cannot, let the tailor mend him. Anything that’s mended is only patched up. A good person who does something wrong is only patched up with sin. And a sinner who does something good is only patched up with goodness. If this logic works, that’s great. If not, what can you do about it? Since the only real betrayed husband in the world is the one deserted by Lady Luck—because we’re all married to her—beauty is a flower. The lady gave orders to take away the fool, so I’m telling you again, take her away.
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OLIVIA
Sir, I bade them take away you.
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OLIVIA
I told them to take you away.
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FOOL
Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, Cucullus non facit
monachum—that’s as much to say as I wear not motley in
my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a
fool.
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FOOL
Oh, what a big mistake! Madam, you can’t judge a book by its cover. I mean, I may look like a fool, but my mind’s sharp. Please let me prove you’re a fool.
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OLIVIA
Can you do it?
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OLIVIA
Can you do that?
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FOOL
Dexterously, good madonna.
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FOOL
Easily, madam.
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