No Fear Shakespeare
Twelfth Night
Get this No Fear to go!
Act 1, Scene 3, Page 5
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SIR ANDREW
An I thought that, I’d forswear it. I’ll ride home tomorrow,
Sir Toby.
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SIR ANDREW
If I really believed that, I’d give up red meat totally. By the way, I’m going home tomorrow, Sir Toby.
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SIR TOBY BELCH
Pourquoi, my dear knight?
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SIR TOBY BELCH
Pourquoi, my friend?
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SIR ANDREW
What is “pourquoi”? Do, or not do? I would I had bestowed
that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and
bear-baiting. O, had I but followed the arts!
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SIR ANDREW
What does “pourquoi” mean? Does it mean I will or I won’t? Oh, I wish I’d spent as much time learning languages as I spent on fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting! If only I’d taken school more seriously!
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SIR TOBY BELCH
Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
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SIR TOBY BELCH
You’d have a great hairstyle if you had.
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SIR ANDREW
Why, would that have mended my hair?
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SIR ANDREW
Why, would that have fixed my hair?
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SIR TOBY BELCH
Past question, for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
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SIR TOBY BELCH
Oh, no question—it won’t style itself.
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SIR ANDREW
But it becomes me well enough, does ’t not?
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SIR ANDREW
But my hair looks good anyway, doesn’t it?
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SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent. It hangs like flax on a distaff. And I hope to see
a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.
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SIR TOBY BELCH
It looks great. It hangs like an old worn-out mop. Some woman should give you syphilis so you go bald.
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SIR ANDREW
Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will not be
seen. Or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me. The
count himself here hard by woos her.
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SIR ANDREW
Listen, I’m going home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece is refusing to see anyone, and even if she saw me, ten to one she’d want nothing to do with me. That duke who lives nearby is courting her.
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SIR TOBY BELCH
She’ll none o' the count. She’ll not match above her degree,
neither in estate, years, nor wit. I have heard her swear ’t.
Tut, there’s life in ’t, man.
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SIR TOBY BELCH
She’s not interested in the duke. She doesn’t want to marry anyone of higher social rank than her, or anyone richer, older, or smarter. I’ve heard her say that. So cheer up, there’s still hope for you, man.
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