No Fear Shakespeare: Twelfth Night: Act 4, scene ii

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Enter MARIA and FOOL

MARIA and the FOOL enter.

	MARIA
	Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard. Make him
	believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I'll call
	Sir Toby the whilst.

MARIA

No, I'm telling you, put on this robe and beard. Make him think you're Sir Topas the priest. Be quick. Meanwhile, I'll get Sir Toby.

Exit

MARIA exits.

	FOOL
	Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in 't, and I
5	would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown.

FOOL

Well, I'll put it on and disguise myself. I wish I were the first person who ever told lies in a priest's robe.

FOOL puts on gown and beard

The FOOL puts on the robe and beard.

	I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean
	enough to be thought a good student, but to be said an
	honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say
	a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

I'm not tall enough to make a believable priest, or skinny enough to look like a good student. But if you're an honest man and a good host, that's almost as good as being moral and studious. Here come the conspirators.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA enter.

	SIR TOBY BELCH
10	Jove bless thee, master Parson.

SIR TOBY BELCH

God bless you, Mr. Priest.

	FOOL
	Bonos dies, Sir Toby. For, as the old hermit of Prague, that
	never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King
	Gorboduc, “That that is is.” So I, being Master Parson, am
	Master Parson. For, what is “that” but “that,” and “is” but
15	“is”?

FOOL

Bonos dies , Sir Toby. As the old hermit of Prague, who couldn't read or write, said very wittily to a niece of King Gorboduc, “Whatever is, is.” So since I'm Mr. Priest, I'm Mr. Priest. Because isn't “that” “that,” and isn't “is” “is”?

	SIR TOBY BELCH
	To him, Sir Topas.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Go to him, Sir Topas.


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