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SIR ANDREW
(to MARIA) Bless you, fair shrew.
SIR ANDREW
(to MARIA) And hello to you, my little wench.

MARIA
And you too, sir.
MARIA
Hello, sir.

SIR TOBY BELCH
Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Chat her up, Sir Andrew. Chat her up.

SIR ANDREW
What’s that?
SIR ANDREW
What?

45
SIR TOBY BELCH
My niece’s chambermaid.
SIR TOBY BELCH
This is my niece’s maid.

SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
SIR ANDREW
My dear Miss Chat-her-up, I look forward to getting to know you better.

MARIA
My name is Mary, sir.
MARIA
My name is Mary, sir.

SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Mary Accost—
SIR ANDREW
Miss Mary Chat-her-up—

SIR TOBY BELCH
You mistake, knight. “Accost” is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.
SIR TOBY BELCH
No, you’ve got it wrong. When I said “chat her up,” I wasn’t saying her name. I was telling you to go after her, woo her, confront her.

SIR ANDREW
By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of “accost”?
SIR ANDREW
Good heavens, I’d never do that with people watching. Is that really what you meant?

MARIA
Fare you well, gentlemen. (she starts to exit)
MARIA
Goodbye, gentlemen. (she starts to exit)

SIR TOBY BELCH
An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.
SIR TOBY BELCH
She’s leaving. If you let her go this easily, Sir Andrew, you don’t deserve to ever use your sword again.

SIR ANDREW
An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?
SIR ANDREW
If you leave like this, my dear, I won’t ever use my sword again. I’m not just talking nonsense to you, I mean everything I say. Do you think you’ve got a couple of fools on your hands here?

MARIA
Sir, I have not you by the hand.
MARIA
I’m not holding your hand, sir.

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Twelfth Night (No Fear Shakespeare)