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Knock, knock! Never at quiet. What are you? But this place is too cold for hell. I’ll devil-porter it no further. I had thought to have let in some of all professions that go the primrose way to the everlasting bonfire.
Knock, knock! Never a moment of peace! Who are you? Ah, this place is too cold to be hell. I won’t pretend to be the devil’s porter anymore. I was going to let someone from every profession into hell.
Knock within
A sound of knocking from offstage.
Anon, anon! I pray you, remember the porter.
I’m coming, I’m coming! Please, don’t forget to leave me a tip.
Opens the gate
The PORTER opens the gate.
Enter MACDUFF and LENNOX
MACDUFF and LENNOX enter.


MACDUFF
Was it so late, friend, ere you went to bed,
That you do lie so late?
MACDUFF
Did you go to bed so late, my friend, that you’re having a hard time getting up now?

10
PORTER
'Faith sir, we were carousing till the second cock. And drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things.
PORTER
That’s right sir, we were drinking until 3 A.M., and drink, sir, makes a man do three things.

MACDUFF
What three things does drink especially provoke?
MACDUFF
What three things does drink make a man do?

PORTER
Marry, sir, nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes and unprovokes. It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance. Therefore, much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery. It makes him, and it mars him; it sets him on, and it takes him off; it persuades him, and disheartens him; makes him stand to and not stand to; in conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep, and, giving him the lie, leaves him.
PORTER
Drinking turns your nose red, it puts you to sleep, and it makes you urinate. Lust it turns on but also turns off. What I mean is, drinking stimulates desire but hinders performance. Therefore, too much drink is like a con artist when it comes to your sex drive. It sets you up for a fall. It gets you up but it keeps you from getting off. It persuades you and discourages you. It gives you an erection but doesn’t let you keep it, if you see what I’m saying. It makes you dream about erotic experiences, but then it leaves you asleep and needing to pee.

MACDUFF
I believe drink gave thee the lie last night.
MACDUFF
I believe drink did all of this to you last night.

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