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Enter a PORTER. Knocking within
A sound of knocking from offstage. A

PORTER

A porter is a doorkeeper.

PORTER
, who is obviously drunk, enters.

PORTER
Here’s a knocking indeed! If a man were porter of hell-gate, he should have old turning the key.
PORTER
This is a lot of knocking! Come to think of it, if a man were in charge of opening the gates of hell to let people in, he would have to turn the key a lot.
Knock within
A sound of knocking from offstage.
Knock, knock, knock! Who’s there, i' th' name of Beelzebub? Here’s a farmer that hanged himself on the expectation of plenty. Come in time, have napkins enough about you, here you’ll sweat for ’t.
Knock, knock, knock! (pretending he’s the gatekeeper in hell) Who’s there, in the devil’s name? Maybe it’s a farmer who killed himself because grain was cheap. (talking to the imaginary farmer) You’re here just in time! I hope you brought some handkerchiefs; you’re going to sweat a lot here.
Knock within
A sound of knocking from offstage.
Knock, knock! Who’s there, in th' other devil’s name? Faith, here’s an equivocator that could swear in both the scales against either scale, who committed treason enough for God’s sake, yet could not equivocate to heaven. O, come in, equivocator.
Knock, knock! Who’s there, in the other devil’s name? Maybe it’s some slick, two-faced con man who lied under oath. But he found out that you can’t lie to God, and now he’s going to hell for perjury. Come on in, con man.
Knock within
A sound of knocking from offstage.
5
Knock, knock, knock! Who’s there? Faith, here’s an English tailor come hither for stealing out of a French hose. Come in, tailor. Here you may roast your goose.
Knock, knock, knock! Who’s there? Maybe it’s an English tailor who liked to skimp on the fabric for people’s clothes. But now that tight pants are in fashion he can’t get away with it. Come on in, tailor. You can heat your iron up in here.
Knock within
A sound of knocking from offstage.

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