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BALTHASAR
I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
BALTHASAR
Your delicacies aren’t worth as much to me as your welcome is.


ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
O Signior Balthasar, either at flesh or fish
A table full of welcome make scarce one dainty dish.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Signior Balthasar, all the welcome in the world can’t compare to a good meal, whatever kind of food it might be.

BALTHASAR
Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
BALTHASAR
Good food’s not a big deal—everyone can afford that.

25
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And everyone can say “welcome,” which is just a word.

BALTHASAR
Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
BALTHASAR
A little food and a huge welcome makes a joyous feast.




30
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part.
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
But soft! My door is lock’d. (to DROMIO) Go, bid them let us in.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Sure, to a cheap host and an even cheaper guest. But look, even if my dishes are poor, eat them with my best wishes. You may come across better food, but not a warmer welcome. What’s this? My door is locked. (to DROMIO) Tell them to let us in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Maud, Bridget, Marian, Ciceley, Gillian, Ginn!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Maud, Bridget, Marian, Ciceley, Gillian, Ginn!




DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch.
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(from offstage) Dope, moron, eunuch, fool, idiot, clown! Either get away from the door or sit yourself down there! What, are you trying to summon women with your spells—is that why you’re calling out so many names? Isn’t one enough for you? Get away with you!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
What clown did they hire as the new doorkeeper? My master is standing out in the street!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on ’s feet.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(from offstage) Then he should go back where he came from so he doesn’t catch a cold.

40
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Who talks within there? Ho, open the door.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Who’s in there? Hey, open the door!

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The Comedy of Errors (No Fear Shakespeare)