No Fear Shakespeare
As You Like It
Get this No Fear to go!
Act 3, Scene 3, Page 2
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AUDREY
Would you not have me honest?
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AUDREY
What, you don’t want me to be chaste?
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TOUCHSTONE
No, truly, unless thou wert hard-favored, for honesty
coupled to beauty is to have honey a sauce to sugar.
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TOUCHSTONE
Not really, unless you were ugly. Chastity and beauty together in one woman is like sweetening sugar with honey.
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JAQUES
(aside) A material fool.
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JAQUES
(to himself) A sensible fool.
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AUDREY
Well, I am not fair, and therefore I pray the gods make me
honest.
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AUDREY
Well, I’m not beautiful, so I hope that I can at least be chaste.
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TOUCHSTONE
Truly, and to cast away honesty upon a foul slut were to put
good meat into an unclean dish.
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TOUCHSTONE
Yes, but wasting chastity on a dirty slut is like putting good meat in a dirty dish.
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AUDREY
I am not a slut, though I thank the gods I am foul.
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AUDREY
I’m not a slut—I keep myself clean—but I thank God I am ugly.
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TOUCHSTONE
Well, praised be the gods for thy foulness; sluttishness may
come hereafter. But be it as it may be, I will marry thee; and
to that end I have been with Sir Oliver Martext, the vicar of
the next village, who hath promised to meet me in this place
of the forest and to couple us.
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TOUCHSTONE
Well, praise the Lord you’re ugly. Maybe sluttishness will follow. Be that as it may, I’m going to marry you. To that end, I’ve spoken with Sir Oliver Martext, the vicar from the next village, and he’s promised to meet us here and marry us.
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JAQUES
(aside) I would fain see this meeting.
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JAQUES
(to himself) This I’d like to see.
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AUDREY
Well, the gods give us joy.
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AUDREY
Well, God bless this marriage!
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TOUCHSTONE
Amen. A man may, if he were of a fearful heart, stagger in
this attempt, for here we have no temple but the wood, no
assembly but horn-beasts. But what though? Courage. As
horns are odious, they are necessary. It is said, “Many a
man knows no end of his goods.” Right: many a man has
good horns and knows no end of them.
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TOUCHSTONE
Amen. You know, some men, who have fear in their hearts, might falter at this point. After all, these woods aren’t a proper church, and there’s no congregation here but horned animals. But who cares? I’ll be brave. Horns may be hateful, but they’re also necessary.
They say, “Many a man doesn’t know the full extent of what he owns.” Exactly: many a man will see no end to the horns his wife furnishes him with.
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